Skip to main content

Twin Siblings-Understanding their fights

Twins share a great bond, but when you're a young twin its one thing to share a womb or a birthday but quite another to share a toy. When my friends had children, the first words their kids would say was either mummy or daddy, but for a mother of twins, when they start talking, the first word they would probably say is MINE!

Conflict from sibling rivalry occurs as twin children compete for dominance, parental attention and independence. The fight may start over who gets the toy or who gets the best seat in the car but this is often a smoke screen for underlying issues such as feelings of jealousy, anger or insecurity.

It can be hard for younger twins to understand these feelings and often the fight becomes a test to see who deserves to be first, who's stronger, smarter, better or more loved. Equally, parents find it hard to understand why their twins constantly bicker, tease and provoke each other rather than just get along and be friends.

 Sibling rivalry is actually a GOOD THING! It may be a frustrating, pull-your-hair-out, make-you-want-to-scream kind of thing, but definitely a good thing.

Fighting is not a sign of children not getting along, its how they get along. Conflicts are used to test power, establish individual identity and vent emotion with a familiar family adversary this is safe conflict and will teach them many life lessons like how to handle other personalities, respect of others, sympathy, how to measure their worth and of course, how to argue!

These Steps will help you manage Conflicts:

Identify the Problem
The first step to minimize fighting is to determine what the fight is about. Its best to address feelings of rivalry before they erupt. Gently coax children to talk about their feelings. Take the lead and talk about feelings of anger or insecurity you have experienced. Try not to judge feelings.

Set limits
Being sympathetic to a child's feelings does not mean it is okay to allow unacceptable behaviour. Set limits by clearly identifying the kinds of behaviours you won't permit. For example, explain that physical aggression wont be tolerated. Follow through with action. Use a time-out chair or temporarily deprive a child of a toy or activity he/she likes. This method is effective in changing unacceptable behaviours.

Separate but Equal
Children yearn for attention from their parents. They each want to be appreciated for who they are. They crave special time alone with their parents. Twins often fight when this special time with a parent is missing from their lives. In other words, twins may be fighting with each other, but what they are really longing for is attention from the adults they love. Fortunately these needs can be accommodated even in the busiest households. Many families institute a ritual called fun night. Once a week each parent spends time alone with one child. The next week they switch. Not only does this activity help minimize sibling rivalry; it helps parents develop a close relationship with each child.

Co-operation is Key
A good way to encourage compatible behaviour between twins is by rewarding them for cooperative play. Avoid making remarks such as: See how nicely your sister is playing? Why can't you play like that? It causes tremendous feelings of anger and jealousy and will only pit the children against each other. On the other hand, how many times do we see children playing cooperatively together and ignore them? Express your pleasure by telling your twins how proud you are that they can play together so nicely.

Create Fun
Encourage a good relationship by creating fun activities that require each child to interact cooperatively. If the multiples help you make cookies, have one child roll out the dough while the other cuts the shapes. If all goes well, reward the kids by letting them eat some of the cookies.

Monkey See, Monkey Do
Kids learn what they see. The best way to minimize fighting is to model behaviour you want your children to adopt. Most parents dont like to admit that they fight in front of their children, but it does happen sometimes. Parents can use a minor disagreement to teach their children by modelling negotiating behaviour for your children. Teach them to express their unhappy feelings, to communicate their needs. Show them how people compromise. Remember, all twins fight at one time or another. Twins can use their unique relationship to safely work out frustration and anger. A parent shouldn't always intervene but let the children work out problems for themselves when possible.

Twin Trivia......
A close bond with other people can lengthen your life and twins prove its true! A study of 26,974 male twins looked at how their relationship affected their health. Twins who had regular contact lived longer and identical twins led the healthier lifestyles!

 Go to www.twinsuk.co.uk for more details

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Weaning your Child- How old is too old to breastfeed?

"When to wean?" It's a question that's top in the mind of nursing mothers. First, What does it mean to Wean: It means to accustom an infant (or other young mammal) to food other than its mother's milk. Your baby is considered weaned when he stops nursing and gets all his nutrition from sources other than the breast. Although babies are also weaned from the bottle, the term usually refers to when a baby stops breastfeeding. Some moms stop at 6 months, others serve a combination of solids and breast milk till the baby is 1 year old. Its also not surprising to see toddlers who breastfeed up to 2 years old. Ultimately, Weaning is a personal decision and should be based on what's best for your family. Perhaps as a working mom, you need to return to work after your 3 months Maternity leave, you may choose to wean your baby off breast milk at 4-7 months and introduce bottle-feeding. Weaning doesn't necessarily signal the end of the intimate bond you and your...
Post a Comment
Read more

How to be a Good Parent/Guardian

Usually Parents or Guardian are most concerned if they are doing a great job with their children or if they need to improve a little bit in some areas or change their style of parenting completely. It's healthy and normal to feel that way sometimes, it shows you love your child.  Here are some tips or guidelines that would help improve Parent Child Relationships: Try to set a side time on a regular basis to do something fun with your child. Never disagree about discipline in front of the children. Never give an order, request, or command without being able to enforce it at the time. Be consistent, that is, reward or punish the same behavior in the same manner as much as possible. Agree on what behavior is desirable and not desirable. Agree on how to respond to undesirable behavior. Make it as clear as possible what the child is to expect if he or she performs the undesirable behavior. Make it very clear what the undesirable behavior is. It is not enough to say, ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Can they do it by themselves? Independence versus Dependence

How can you tell when you are doing too much for your child? For instance, you tie the shoe laces of your 3 year old when you know she can do it herself, because its faster. You clean up your teenage son's room and pick up after him because it seems easier than getting into a fight with him or nagging him. Completing your child's homework for her when she is asleep because she complains its too difficult or boring.  After all, you don’t want her to fail. We all guilty of over-functioning in our relationships at times, particularly with our kids. And we often do it without even realizing it. Unfortunately, the habit of doing things for your kids that you know they can do for themselves sends an indirect message that you don’t have confidence in their abilities. The Result is a children who are dependent, lack self-esteem and problem-solving skills and who can’t or won’t do age-appropriate tasks. This is referred to as ''Learned Helplessness''. They ...
Post a Comment
Read more