Can they do it by themselves? Independence versus Dependence

How can you tell when you are doing too much for your child? For instance, you tie the shoe laces of your 3 year old when you know she can do it herself, because its faster. You clean up your teenage son's room and pick up after him because it seems easier than getting into a fight with him or nagging him. Completing your child's homework for her when she is asleep because she complains its too difficult or boring.  After all, you don’t want her to fail.

We all guilty of over-functioning in our relationships at times, particularly with our kids. And we often do it without even realizing it.

Unfortunately, the habit of doing things for your kids that you know they can do for themselves sends an indirect message that you don’t have confidence in their abilities. The Result is a children who are dependent, lack self-esteem and problem-solving skills and who can’t or won’t do age-appropriate tasks. This is referred to as ''Learned Helplessness''.

They have quite literally leant to be helpless, because someone was always there to pick up the pieces for them. They often act irresponsibly, aren't ready to handle uncomfortable emotions, lack goals or objectives, ask for advice when they are supposed to figure things out for themselves and get others to always help them. For many young adults who were raised this way, the world seems scary and they prefer staying home under mom and dad's care instead of finding a path for themselves.

Are you an Over-functioner?

If you tend to jump in quickly to help your kids with everything or think you always know what's best for them, and never allow them struggle with their problems and you tend to believe that without your help they can't succeed. 

Then, you are definitely an over-functioner. You might have difficulty sharing your own vulnerability and spend more time focusing on others’ goals than your own. The people around you probably think of you as always reliable. Yep! Over-functioning right there!

But instead of feeling guilty about this, you can start making efforts to correct it. Let’s say you feel your child relies on you too much and you’re concerned that she’s way too dependent on you. There are a few tips that can teach your child to be more independent.

• Get your child on board by encouraging her to help “you” change. 

• Make a list of things he could be doing himself. Ask him which duties he feels he’s big enough to take on—it’s likely to increase his willingness to try.

• Tackle one item at a time, so you don’t overwhelm your child.

• If it takes her 10 minutes to brush her own hair, start your morning 10 minutes earlier (and put down the brush!). When she’s not being micromanaged, she may surprise you with her co-operation, and you’ll be a calmer influence when you’re not racing against the clock.

• Accept that they won’t do the task as well as you. If the milk spills, show him how to clean it up without criticism and assure him it happens to everyone.

• Instead of pointing out that her shoes are on the wrong feet, say, “You put on your own shoes! Good job!” She’ll discover the discomfort on her own. Give positive follow-up like, “I bet you’ll get them on the right feet tomorrow.”

• If kids are tired, sick, stressed or adjusting to a change, it’s not the time to introduce new responsibilities. And don’t be discouraged if they regress, wanting you to do a task after they’ve mastered it. This is normal. Temporarily sharing the load can help them bounce back more quickly than if you scold or criticize them.

• Don’t rush in to solve minor issues when they crop up. Encourage your child’s problem-solving skills by asking if she can come up with a fix. If she’s stumped, give her time to think before offering up your ideas.